It’s been far too long since my last post and I apologise for that.
Well… The last few weeks have certainly been interesting! The first question is: has the mouse juice worked?
Unfortunately, no. For some reason, it’s made things a lot worse. I’ve been exhausted and bleeding more than ever, moody, getting angry at the slightest thing, having urgency and in pain. Just when I was expecting to feel a bit better, UC had other plans. The lowest ebb was when I had to have a few ‘rest days’. It’s been a long time since I’ve spent days in bed and it’s been hard to accept. I want to be out and about, pretending I’m normal rather than cooped up in my room (even though my room is lovely!)
Of course, I didn’t accept it straightaway. I convinced myself that I was FINE so I overexerted myself and ended up paying for that! I never learn. It got to the point where I felt so overwhelmed that I broke down and gave in. I stopped fighting the fatigue, stopped convincing myself that I was fine, stopped going out. After a few days of that, I became extremely anxious when faced with the thought of meeting people or leaving the house. I made up every excuse I could think of and as my family don’t like to pressure me (they care a lot. And I can be pretty fierce when I want to) I was pretty much allowed to do what I liked.
It’s a vicious circle. One that’s difficult to break out of.
When I say ‘bleeding’, this is what I mean. (WARNING: GRAPHICAL IMAGE) click on the link if you want to see what IBD looks like.
Up to 5 times a day. It’s just blood because I poop from my abdomen, not my bottom. THAT’S the misery caused by my rectum. Only 10 days until it’s out inshaAllah.
I’m sorry if this picture has upset you. I wasn’t going to be so graphic but some people have been so hurtful, so terribly insensitive that I’m done playing down IBD. It’s not pretty or glamorous. It’s also not easy to talk about these things but it needs to be done. And the amount of blood left me feeling shattered, I wasn’t always able to go and meet people. That’s why they may have felt that I’ve become quite snobbish. But it’s no excuse. I don’t see why I should be told that I’m faking my illness, whatever their pathetic excuses are. Soooo moving on….
I decided I needed to go shopping for the things I’d need in hospital and after 3 days of talking myself into it, out I went!
It seems like a small thing to someone without IBD but for me, it was huge. A real sense of achievement 😀 and there, I saw the most horrible sight. Huge, white, frilly undies should be BANNED from public view! My eyes! I’ll never be able to unsee those sights!
Here’s my list for what I need. No doubt I’ll be adding to it and most of the things won’t be used at all.
Face + body stuff (I can’t live without Soap and Glory)
Contact lenses and solutions
I think that’s everything. Let me know if I’ve missed anything!
And now for the exciting bit – we’re leaving for Turkey in a few days inshaAllah! I’m glad it’s already booked and paid for or I would’ve cancelled, with the awful mood I’m in. We’ll be spending Eid in Istanbul which should be interesting. I love Islamic history so I can’t wait. And of course, I love food so I can’t wait to EAT. And eat. And eat some more. If you see someone waddling around in Arrivals at London Heathrow in a weeks time, that’ll be me!
This is one of the reasons I love having a stoma – I can pretty much eat what I like alhamdulillah. Before I had my colon taken out, one bite of meat would cause at least three weeks of excruciating pain, exhaustion, bleeding, diarrhoea and cramps. I couldn’t tolerate dairy. Or fruit. Or nuts. Or vegetables. Or salads. Or crisps. Or pizza. Or chocolate. And a lot more. So yes, I’m very grateful for what I can eat now alhamdulillah. Although weirdly, I don’t like the smell or taste of red meat anymore. (Qurbani meat is an exception. YUM)
I’m still living off painkillers. Received these beauties the other day:
Wel… It takes around 2 days to finish a packet of Paracetamol… So they won’t last long at all. My brain is scrambled at the moment.
Oooh and I got a new electric bed for my recovery! It’s going downstairs as I don’t think I’ll be able to manage stairs very well. My only condition was that it needed to be in a place with a very good WiFi connection. 😀 I’ll keep updating this blog throughout, as and when I can. Just 10 days left inshaAllah!
And last but by no means least, I’m not entirely sure how I would have got through these past few weeks without my friends. There are those who never give up on me, even if I don’t reply or call for ages. And those who are always there to listen despite their own problems. Those who hear me moan. Those who are so wonderfully caring, it makes me cry and wonder how I can possibly deserve such kindness. And of course, those who strive to annoy me as much as they can 😀 thank you! I appreciate each and every one of you ❤ I’m truly blessed to know you.
And the people who’ve read the blog, emailed me, commented and made dua for me… Thank you. It means more than I can say. I never dreamed that I would come across such amazing people and I’m very grateful to all of you.
Until next time!
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