This post is going back around two weeks as I was too lazy post anything at the time!
Something I expected to have been cured of but haven’t been is the fatigue which is part and parcel of IBD. The type of tiredness that seems never-ending, turns bones into lead, attacks with a vengeance and leaves me unable to do anything but rest.
So did I sit back and let it do its thing? (Namely, knock me sideways with an evil kick)
Nope, of course not. Not this time. I decided enough was enough. It wasn’t getting the better of me anymore. I was going to fight this thing with every bit of strength I had. I’d suddenly had enough of being inside.. My heart felt clamped tightly shut, a dark cloud hovering over it. I needed to breathe and I told myself I could do this. Thus began the first of the Three Challenges. They weren’t planned, by the way 🙂 the best moments are often spontaneous.
Shortly after I gave myself this fighting talk, I stepped outside with the intention of going for a walk. I hadn’t counted on the wind.. It nearly blew me sideways so I sought refuge at my grandparents house, down the road. It was the first time I’d been to their house in ages, as I’d been cooped up in my room not really talking to anyone so it was lovely to see them.
I then decided to visit my Aunty and we ended up going out for a meal and a bit of shopping. This was HUGE. It may seem normal to some but I have to plan these things so carefully. I need to decide where my limited energy is going to be spent. (See The Spoon Theory) The fatigue didn’t give up.. I had to concentrate on every step, my bones were screaming in protest and I just wanted to sleep but I knew I needed to do this. The first thing I did upon entering every shop was look for somewhere to sit – I may be a fighter, but it would be insane to push myself to a level beyond that which I can bear!
Bless the lovely shopkeeper who brought his own chair round for me to sit on 🙂 I wasn’t going to say no, I didn’t think my legs could hold me up for long!
Back home, I felt a lot better than I had before I’d gone out. Sure, I was shattered and barely able to talk but the dark cloud had lifted. I had interacted with humans! Turns out it’s not a bad thing. I really ought to do it more often 😛
Now… You’d think I rested the next day. Not at all 😀 I took myself off to my favourite little French cafe and spent a wonderful three hours there, accompanied with my book and feasting on the yummy food they sell. Their hot chocolate has got to be one of the best I’ve ever had the pleasure of drinking! Not to mention the beautifully presented vanilla eclair. I could go on.. Feast your eyes.
I’d wanted to visit a cafe on my own but I’d never been brave enough before. It was quite liberating, I can’t wait to do it again!
Note: I’ve been sitting here for the past 20 minutes, trying trying to remember what I did on the third day! My memory is awful. Thank goodness it came back to me or I would’ve had to write: completed some secret ninja things, not for the likes of mere mortals.
In actual fact, I attended a lovely meal arranged by my Aunty and cousin at their home. Stayed there for a few hours, ate quite a lot and thoroughly enjoyed myself.
Then came home and rested for a week 😀 I needed it, and it felt well-deserved!
I think I need to set myself more challenges. It gives me a focus, something to work on. I’m falling into my old habits of staying in my room for hours on end and not interacting with anyone much. It can’t be healthy. A few small goals every week.. I know it’ll make me feel better. If you have any suggestions, please list them in the comments below, I’ll choose some to carry out in 2015 InshaAllah!
In other news.. I’ve stopped taking Tramadol. Again. It’s been two weeks now and every night, the craving gets worse. I’m hoping it’ll get easier.
Take last night for example.. I was lying on my bed, very tense and still, every muscle clenched, breathing deeply and gritting my teeth. Every pore of my being was screaming for the drug. It felt like insects were crawling through my muscles and brain and my head would explode. Agitation, frustration and despair coursed through me, leaving me in tears. I knew I’d be fine just as soon as I took one tablet. But to give in after this long… No. I can and will get through this, with Allah’s help. I’d be lying if I said I’m craving it because of the pain. Yes, there’s pain but I can handle that. It’s a lot less than it was Alhamdulillah. The reality is.. I need the high, the buzz I got, that relaxed feeling when everything was right with the world and nothing mattered very much.
I was trying to explain this to a friend and she didn’t understand.. ‘But that’s haram!’ Yes, I know but I wish it were that simple. I’ve been taking Tramadol for months so it’ll take a while longer before it’s completely out of my system. But hey, I’m not The Gutless Ninja for nothing! I know I can do this.
I just wish it didn’t turn me into a mean moody monster. Part of the reason I keep myself to myself is because I usually end up saying something I’ll regret later. Unfortunately, it’s my family who’ve got to put up with it. They’re the best family anyone could ask for, though we get on each other’s nerves at times!
Just got to keep telling myself that it’ll get better InshaAllah..
Resolutions. Everyone’s making them, few stick to them but it never stops us from telling ourselves that THIS year will be better, more focused, the year we finally change.
I’ve been thinking about the past year quite a bit. I’ve had some ups and downs, but definitely more ups. I’ve met some wonderful people, made new friends, travelled to some truly beautiful places, been operated on by a robot and I was given so much care, love and support from not only my family and friends, but from some incredible people who reached out to me through the blog. To all of you: thank you. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you.
Take care everyone. May your days be filled with faith, love, good health, blessings and peace.
P.s. Do pop over to my Facebook page and say hi: http://www.facebook.com/gutlessninja