It’s been far too long since I updated the blog and I do apologise. I’ve started writing a couple of times but I thought it wasn’t up to my usual standards so I got rid of it. I regret that now, maybe I could’ve used those ideas but oh well, the time has gone.
I’ve been very hesitant to write about this issue because a few of you know me personally and I haven’t really spoken about it to many people. So I apologise in advance if you find this difficult reading. I hope you don’t think any less of me. My intention isn’t to moan, I need to write about everything in my head before I spontaneously combust. Or something.
I’ve been struggling with my health recently and also trying to cope with feelings of despair, loneliness and depression. It’s something that I know I need to deal with but there doesn’t seem to be a way out at the moment. I’ve managed to have a few really good days, but they’re becoming fewer and further in between. I can pretend to be happy, really happy, and I even manage to convince those nearest and dearest to me but then the sadness always comes back. There’ve been days when I just sat in my room and cried.
How can I describe it? How do I describe this feeling which courses through me every single day and I have no idea how to control it? The crushing despair, the loneliness, the deep sadness which never seems to go away? It’s like a dark cloud which is constantly hanging over my head. Sometimes a few beams of sunshine come through for a while but once again they’re obliterated by this dark cloud. They call it depression and I’ve been told I need to speak to somebody, seek counselling, get some help. But it just doesn’t make sense to me. I have nothing to be upset about. I have so much to be grateful for. I’m surrounded by wonderful family and friends. My last surgery went really well. But for some reason none of this seems to be helping. I keep reminding myself of everything I have to be happy about but it just doesn’t seem to work. I simply can’t explain it. So what good would counselling do if I don’t even know why I’m so upset? What would I tell them? I don’t even want to talk to anyone. The thought of sitting in front of a stranger and trying to talk to them openly is quite frankly, terrifying.
So I simply try to go about my day acting as though I’m perfectly normal. My head feels anything but. I’m quite good at acting by now. I can laugh, smile and joke along with the best of them. But deep inside I just feel numb. Completely numb.
Actually, that isn’t strictly true… I don’t go about my day quite as normally as I used to. I haven’t been to my classes at the mosque in over three weeks. I can’t bring myself to. I haven’t been to visit my grandparents either. I know that I should, but I just don’t know how. It’s not as simple as simply walking out of the door and going where I need to. It seems so much more difficult and no one seems to understand. The panic that I feel when I even think about meeting with others or socialising.. It stops me from all of those things. It’s a bit easier now in that I can go out for walks on my own using my cane. But… I just don’t know. I feel really confused. And I feel I’m ungrateful. Because if I was truly grateful for all of Allah’s blessings, I wouldn’t be feeling this upset, would I? However, A small part of my common sense (which I seem to keep locked up) seems to be telling me that this isn’t true. That depression is a mental illness and just because it can’t be seen, doesn’t mean that it isn’t real. However, I’ve come across many people who claim that the cure for depression is praying it away. I’ve tried this many, many times. I ask Allah grant me relief and ease from this and I only seem to have reached the conclusion that this is another test. The way I’m feeling, the difficulties i’m facing, all of this is a test. It’s not something which I brought upon myself because I never questioned why I have been tested the way I have. I have never – and I hope I never – questioned Allah SWT about the difficulties I’ve faced. I’ve accepted it as my lot and I’ve always hoped for reward. I know it’s been really difficult. Just when things were looking up, I had trouble with my vision and I now use a white cane. It was tough adapting but I’m doing brilliantly (even if I do say so myself!). It’s given me independence and I don’t have to rely on others as much. So that’s not the reason either.
And it’s so hard to avoid the self-hate.. I’m a teacher and people look up to me. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I’ve broken down more times than I can remember in the past few weeks. The smallest things set me off. How can I even think about advising others when I’m feeling so rotten? I feel hypocritical. I think I just need to keep telling myself that this is also from Allah. He has a reason for my struggle, even if I can’t see it yet. Maybe it’ll help if I keep telling myself. Maybe.
Another thing.. Being told I’ll be fine if I just got out more hasn’t helped either. I can have a brilliant time and forget for a few hours but it always comes back. I suppose the only people who understand are the ones who’ve been through it. I’m trying not to talk about it so much to my friends because surely it’s quite unfair on them? People want to be able to help, to listen, offer a solution. And I can’t even explain any of this. I know they’d be understanding but I hate feeling like a burden. I don’t want them to be affected and feel upset by my state of mind.
At least I have my reading. I’ve been crazy about it recently, taking out lots of books from the library, downloading on my iPad, reading every day. It helps me forget. I’m transported to other worlds, I’m living the lives of colourful characters and experiencing different cultures. It’s a beautiful kind of magic. I picked this little lot up from the library the other day:
Thanks for reading through my ramblings. Do share my blog if you find it helpful. Please feel free to get in touch, I love receiving feedback and constructive criticism. You can email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org or get in touch through Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.