I’m breaking tradition by blogging so soon after my last post but I thought I’d post an update.
So things are a lot worse since my last post. So much worse. I didn’t think they could get this bad, but they have. My whole world feels closed, dark and suffocating. The darkness is pressing on me from all sides. I can’t breathe. I’ve spent the past few days in my bed, crying my eyes out. So much sadness, so much grief. The panic attacks are back. I don’t know where it’s all coming from, but the events of the past few days haven’t helped at all. I don’t want to go into too much detail but my heart is screaming in pain and feels as though it’s shattered into a million tiny pieces. So many awful things all happening at once. I don’t recognise myself any more. Who have I become? Who is this person who feels so weak, worthless and useless? I remember when I used to be strong, when nothing could faze me, when I felt as though I could take on the world. I was Superwoman. Not only was I strong, I was also inspiring others. My previous posts are testament to that.
(And just to make things better, a whole chunk of my writing just disappeared. Thank you, lovely iPad of mine. Now, where was I? Right.)
Just to give an idea of my day, I haven’t yet gotten out of bed. It’s past 10 o’clock in the evening. I haven’t eaten. I’ve just stayed in bed and sobbed. Not been out apart from the one time I had to empty my bag and get some water. I wish I knew what to do. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I’ve been told I’m feeling sorry for myself but I don’t think that’s the case. Panic attacks don’t happen because people feel sorry for themselves. I can’t ‘get over it’ or ‘just think positive’. If I was just feeling sad, maybe. This is so much more, so much deeper. It’s scaring me. I just want to be alone.. Can’t even find pleasure in reading.
I don’t think I could’ve got through the past few days without my friends. The family situation is dismal at the moment – it doesn’t help. But a few of my friends have been incredible. They’ve been there for me and listened to me cry without trying to offer solutions because we know it’s not what I need right now. I just want someone to listen, and they’ve done that. I love them so much, I hope they all know how much they mean to me.
“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.
Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”
― Stephen Fry
This is the thing. I’ve read tons of articles on how to be positive. Articles written by experts all telling me how to feel better in myself. But none of it works. My mind is holding me prisoner and it doesn’t want to let go. I can’t see beyond the next few minutes. Everything is too much. Yet nothing seems to matter.
I wrote that yesterday. The family situation has mostly been resolved but I still don’t feel any better. I thought it would make things ok for now but no.. Still feeling the same.
I can honestly say that this is me at my worst. I will get stronger. I keep being told that. I don’t know what’s brought this on or even if there’s a reason but I’m going to ride this wave and hope that I’m stronger when it’s over. Because it has to end one day, right? I can’t see a way out at the moment but I know God always has the best plan. I have to trust in that.
It’s all had a huge negative effect on my health. My eyes are so sore from crying. I’m getting stomach cramps and my joints and muscles are aching. I feel like a mess. I want to stop hurting, I want to feel ok again. I want this to be over.
Thank you for reading. I’ve written more positive posts, I promise. Just check the archives and read a few of those if this is too depressing.
I’d like to request your prayers please. My apologies to those who’ve emailed and I haven’t yet replied.. I haven’t been in any state to. Take care all.