Assalamualaykum/hello again readers,
Following on from the previous post, I thought I’d continue with the updates. The main one is something I’m really excited yet slightly nervous about. I’ll be speaking at the Pelican Healthcare Live Your Life Roadshow in Birmingham on the 13th of June inshaAllah! That’s less than 10 days away! I’ll be talking about Cultural Issues Around Living With A Stoma. I can’t wait, it’s such a fantastic opportunity!
You can probably tell that I’m slightly giddy from the excess use of exclamation marks. I do apologise. Normal service shall be resumed shortly.
I’ve also been interviewed by Muslimah Bloggers and I’m their Featured Blogger for this month! Do click the link and check it out!
I’m feeling very grateful, I’ve just been blogging for a year (has it really been that long?!) and none of this would have happened if I hadn’t decided to start this blog with the encouragement my of my friends. And if it wasn’t for the support of you lovely readers, I very much doubt that I’d have kept up with it. I have a special skill in starting things and not finishing them :p I passed my 1-year Blogaversary a few days ago. Things are really looking up.
I’ve FINALLY received an appointment for my eyes. According to the eye hospital, I’ve missed three previous appointments. I just don’t see how this is possible as I didn’t receive any letters or text message reminders. I receive a text reminder for all my NHS appointments and I’ve never deleted any but these ones aren’t there. But I’ve finally received an appointment through for the end of this month. I’m feeling so hopeful.. I want to try scleral lenses. They’re a different type of lenses that are rather big but they’re supposed to be very comfortable and give great vision. It’s my last hope now. No doubt my doctor will suggest a corneal transplant again but I’m not ready for that yet! I know it would make the anxiety and PTSD a lot worse if I went through another surgery.
I’m scared too, in case they don’t work for me. I remember how hopeful I was for surgery and I was devastated when they changed the date. I don’t want to go through that again. I keep reminding myself that it’s all in Allah’s hands and if I’m meant to see again with these lenses, I will. If not.. Well, I’ve become pretty nifty with the cane!
On a much happier note, I ordered this lovely Ostobear from Stomawise and I can’t get over how cute she is!
She has a stoma just like mine! Yes, I AM a 26 year old who’s getting excited over a teddy bear lol!
Now that the updates are out of the way, I can start writing about my day.
I didn’t manage any sleep last night as I’d napped in the day but by 7AM I was feeling very determined to have a productive day. I haven’t had any of those recently, I just can’t seem to find the energy or motivation to do anything. I try so hard but I don’t get far. One of my favourite things to do used to be relaxing at my favourite coffee shop. I haven’t done that in a while. So I showered (using up a lot of energy!) and off I went.
Well, I got there ok. Ordered myself a delicious mocha and strawberry tart. See these beauties? I reckon I deserved it!
You can see my folded up cane in the lunch picture 🙂
I couldn’t hold off the anxiety although I tried so hard 😦 for the most part, my hands were shaking. I relaxed a bit after about an hour or so when I ordered lunch but it came back. Being the stubborn idiot I am, I decided to stay on and fight it. I didn’t want to give in again. I still needed to go to Boots to pick up my medication so off I went. I’d been out of the house for a couple of hours by this point and I thought it was going pretty well, considering. I handed over my prescription and sat down to wait… And that’s when it happened. My heart started beating very fast and very loudly, my breathing was becoming shorter and I was having trouble remembering how do it properly. Yes, another panic attack smack in the middle of Boots. Yay me! I tried breathing deeply but it’s SO hard when my lungs don’t want to cooperate. They seem to forget their purpose. It took a few very scary minutes to calm myself down and I just wanted to be home. I know I should’ve called someone and asked for a lift home but I’m pretty stubborn and I was only 10 minutes away. Somehow, I managed to walk home. I’ve walked these streets hundreds of times but this was the scariest journey I’ve taken in my own area, where I was born and grew up. I’m still not sure how I got home. I remember almost stumbling a few times but Alhamdulillah I didn’t fall. I was so very thankful to see my lovely bedroom again. I’m never complaining about the creaky floor again! (At least, not for a while….)
I was supposed to go to the mosque at 5PM but I’d fallen asleep so I missed that too. Feeling pretty rubbish that I can’t even go out without feeling extreme anxiety and having a panic attack. I know it’s not my fault and I can’t control it but it doesn’t ease the guilt.
I also seem to have lost my usual writing style somewhere. I know I’m not as engaging, funny or interesting as usual but everything I’m going through seems to have have had something to do with that. I only ask that you forgive me and keep me in your prayers. Things really are starting to get better bit by bit alhamdulillah so hopefully the blog can go back to being as inspiring as it once was! I try to be as honest as possible. Even I’ve had bad days, I didn’t hide it. You all saw how I felt. I’ve shared all the good times too. Because this is what chronic illness is, even the strongest warriors struggle at times.
Thank you for sticking with me ❤️ it means a lot to know that people care.