Yes, this is going to be one of those blogs where I talk about myself but I’ll try not to make it too annoying! I won’t put too much hippy stuff in here either (although I have found meditation and mindfulness to be rather wonderful alongside other treatments!)
I’ve struggled with blogging lately. I’m feeling a lot better Alhamdulillah and I felt I might have outgrown this blog….. fear not though dear readers. I wasn’t ready to give it up either. I won’t be writing as much as I used to about IBD, guts, blood and poop but I can still write loads of meaningless drivel, right? That doesn’t need to change. :p
I read a few of my posts from last year and it was pretty hard going. I’m so very glad I wrote throughout the Darkness I went through. I was drowning in it. I need to be reminded from time to time to help me keep things in perspective. How things change.. finally, I’m seeing the bright light at the end of what’s been a very long tunnel. I always hoped I’d get to this stage but it was difficult to imagine actually being here. Now I’ve started getting my life in order.. I’ve discovered I’m actually pretty resilient. I know, that sounds awfully boastful but I’m told I need to be nice to myself. So here I am, being nice to myself and reflecting on a rollercoaster of a year.
So.. resilience. Over the past few years I’ve suffered from horrendous trauma. Physical, mental, psychological, emotional.. I honestly don’t know how I coped. I was going through the motions. On the one hand my body was trying to do its best to attack, I was also dealing with the aftermath of surgeries and on the other hand the psychological hurt and abuse caused by those who claimed to love and care for me took its toll. There’s only so much someone can take, right? I’m annoyed at myself for putting up with it for so long. And believing that I was being ‘patient.’ Putting up with abuse of any kind is not patience. Patience is praying then doing what you can to change your situation. It works the same was as praying for a good job then actually going out and searching for that job. It’d be a bit pointless to spend days and days praying without putting any effort in! Not how it works. If someone genuinely can’t change their situation (e.g. Pain) that’s where forbearance and acceptance comes in.
I still feel ashamed to talk about what I’ve been through. It’s pretty crazy to think that I could be pretty open about my bowels and tales of gore yet I couldn’t (and still struggle to) talk about the underlying issues which were making my mental health so much worse. I won’t force myself, perhaps it’ll get easier with time.
By the way, I haven’t written anything in so long my head is a jumble of words all desperate to escape. Feel free to scroll on by if this isn’t making much sense to you! I need to get a few things off my chest and writing is therapeutic.
I think I’ve become rather intolerant of what I perceive to be fakery. I’ve scaled down my social circle to a few very close friends (who help keep me sane!) and an even smaller number of family members. (Those who are genuine. A seriously small number. Like.. five. That’s it.) Does this make me evil? Probably. I simply can’t be bothered by people and things I’m not particularly interested in. I’m choosing to focus on what makes me happy. I’ve been focusing on my mental and physical health for almost five months now. It’s a very short period of time but I’m finally getting somewhere Alhamdulillah! I live in one of the most beautiful parts of the country. I’ve been teaching some wonderful girls. I’m looking to go back to college and university inshaAllah. I’ve made some fantastic new friends. I’m doing things for myself and discovering that Alhamdulillah.. I CAN do this! It’s an incredible feeling. So humbling. I also had my second driving lesson last week – this is HUGE for me! Alhamdulillah. I feel so blessed. I never did see myself doing so well.. I think it’s time to believe in myself. That scares me.. it shouldn’t be so hard to accept that I’ve came a long way. Maybe one day I’ll actually believe it eh?!
All that being said, this is also a difficult time for me. I have so many emotions and thought processes to work through.. I’ve got to keep moving forward inshaAllah. Some days everything feels overwhelming and I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps and soldier on. It’s the only way. Those days are getting fewer however they do exist. I’m not expecting them to go away completely, I wouldn’t be human otherwise!
I’ve been trying to figure out how and why people can be so cruel. How do they justify it? There’s got to be an inferiority complex there. Not that I’m a psychiatrist or anything. 😛 why else would someone want to harm others or try to make their life difficult? It baffles me. I just don’t get it. What’s the POINT of it all? Argh this makes my brain hurt! I pray that I never become one of them.
I was sent the following poem a long time ago. It’s beautiful. I’m going to leave it here and hope it helps you as it’s helped me. ❤
Take care of yourself and those you care about, smile a bit more and eat delicious cake,
Aisha AKA The Gutless Ninja
Ps I’ve started replying to emails. (I know.. about time right?)
I’m still rubbish at keeping up with social media so I’m not going to stress about that! Feel free to drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to get in touch. Or you can leave a comment below. I don’t do any TV/documentary work and I’ve been rubbish at replying so apologies if you’ve contacted me about that.
Yep.. believe it or not, I’ve had three tv offers in the past two years. I’m almost famous! *dons sunglasses* 😎
Oh and if you find any typos/spelling mistakes do let Be know. If you find any weirdness it was always meant to be there. Ta.