It’s been a while… 

Assalamualaykum/hello readers! 
It’s high time this blog was resurrected from the murky backwaters of the Internet and given a new lease of life.. I know, I know. Many of you have asked when the next post will be up and if slacking was an Olympic sport, I would’ve achieved Gold long ago. 
If truth be told, my mental and physical health hasn’t been great. Then there were other issues to deal with which left me stressed, shattered and er.. In hospital. Despite me telling myself that I was going to be as chilled as can be and not let anything worry me! The best laid plans and all that.. 

(Btw, if you’re new to the blog, please check out About Me here 🙂 thanks) 

But moving on.. I’ve had some wonderful opportunities come my way in these few months. All will be revealed soon! 

I’d like to draw a line under the negative events of the past few months and make a new start here. So. *deep breath* 

Here are some of the things I’ve been up to:

I’ve had an article published in Al-Mumin magazine! The lovely people at Al-Mumin even published a few pertinent and important questions and answers about living with an Ostomy. This is HUGE. I’ve been trying so hard to raise more awareness in the Muslim community, trying to show that ostomies are normal and us Ostomates are pretty awesome! It’s been a slow journey and to have this published is pretty incredible as the magazine has a reach of thousands, all over the world. Feeling slightly overwhelmed here. I feel it’s gone a long way to removing the stigma associated with have an ostomy. Of course, there’s still work to do but this is an important step. 

Secondly, I was contacted by the wonderful colorectal nurses at City Hospital, Birmingham. They were arranging a Stoma Care event at West Bromwich Albion football club and wanted little old moi to do a talk. I’ll admit I was shocked (in a good way!) and VERY excited! It went really well. I was buzzing from the high it gave me. Not being able to see the audience did kind of help though 😉 

I met the lovely Helen from Convatec after the event and we had a chat.. But I’m not going to say too much about that at the moment! Suffice to say that the future is looking VERY exciting inshaAllah. 
Of course, it isn’t all sunshine and roses. I still struggle with anxiety, horrible thoughts, struggle to meet people and even text my friends but I’m aiming to work on that inshaAllah. Please remember me in your Duas. 
That’s actually one of the reasons I haven’t blogged in so long – my brain feels as though it’s been sleeping. I’m not sure if that’s a side effect of the pills I’m on. Whatever it is, the fog seems to be lifting Alhamdulillah and I feel ready to start setting some goals. Probably not resolutions as they’re hardly ever kept! 

Rosie, my beautiful ileostomy, is quite well. Trumping away merrily as usual. Changing my bag has become a bit of a struggle as my eyesight weakens further. However, it won’t beat me inshaAllah! I’m determined to do things for myself for as long as I can. 

On that note, my mobility training has been going exceptionally well Alhamdulillah! I’ve passed indoor training with flying colours (different cane techniques, going up and down the stairs, entering a room, locating door handles etc) and we’ve progressed to outdoor training. In fact, we took a trip into town a couple of days before Christmas and I was super confident! I seem to have lost some of that confidence what with being unwell and not going out recently but I’m sure I’ll be back to where I was soon inshaAlllah. Of course, it helps that I have the best mobility training officer who treated us to a lovely coffee the last time we went out. My next appointment is booked for next week and I’m really looking forward to it. It feels so good to be able to confidently navigate my way through the city alhamdulillah. 

I’ve had to resort to asking my mum to wash my hair again as the fatigue has been terrible. This time round, I’m grateful that I have such a wonderful mother and I don’t want to dwell on how useless it can make me feel. InshaAllah I can build some strength up soon. 

I haven’t written much about how I feel emotionally but that’s because the inside of my head feels like a mess. It’s very foggy in there. I’ve been listening to more Qur’an lately and that’s helped Alhamdulillah. InshaAllah the next blog will make more sense! 

Do let me know what you think in the comments below and as always, pop over to Facebook for more frequent updates! I’ve really missed interacting with you all. A huge thank you to everyone who messaged and emailed to check how I’m doing, it means a lot. ❤ 

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An Update…

Assalamualaykum/hello readers,

A huge, heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you who stayed with me these few weeks, that have been some of the darkest times of my life. Thank you to everyone who messaged, emailed, called, came to visit, thought of me and most importantly, prayed for me. It means such a lot to know that such wonderful people exist. Most of you have never met me but the amount of support has been astounding. Even more surprisingly, (for me, anyway) none of you told me I’m a bad person for feeling this way which is pretty much I’d been telling myself. I’m still working on that, it’ll take a while for the message to sink in completely. 
I thought I’d post an update on my situation. The last time I wrote, I was in intense pain, surrounded by darkness and couldn’t see a way out. I had absolutely no hope that I would get through this. Now, Alhamdulillah (thank God) things are slowly, very slowly, starting to look up. I won’t say that that feeling has passed as it hasn’t. But I’m learning to hope again. I’ve had a few days where I haven’t cried or had panic attacks. It’s still tough but it’s getting better Alhamdulillah. 

Truly, as Allah says in the Quran:

  
So I have a whole lotta updates for you all! I reckon I’ll go in date order and try to remember everything.  

A couple of days after my last blog, I saw a psychiatrist and went to see my doctor. Both on the same day. I was nervous, scared, apprehensive and dreading the visit to the doctor as I’d just registered with a new surgery and wasn’t sure how things would work out. 

Turns out I needn’t have worried. The doctor was absolutely lovely, she listened to everything I had to say and believed me. That’s a big thing for me. With invisible illnesses – and especially one such as IBD which is so complex, most doctors tend to use the textbook approach. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to work for me. So I was so relieved when I wasn’t dismissed outright. That should tell you something about the experiences I’ve had. 

I was prescribed Lorazepam, which is a fast-acting anti-anxiety medication. It was only for a week as it’s addictive and shouldn’t be taken for long. What a difference it made lol… Not only was I constantly drowsy, I seem to have suffered severe memory loss. I honestly couldn’t tell you what I’ve been up to that week or what I ate. I usually have pretty bad brain fog but this was something else entirely! But it definitely helped the anxiety. I’d say it cut the panic attacks down by about 98%. That’s pretty good. Before I started taking it, I was having a few panic attacks every day. Anything would set them off – shouting, a door slamming, being scared of something, the thought of leaving the house… It wasn’t a lot of fun. So Lorazepam definitely helped. I was pretty upset when the week was up as things went back to how they were.. The previous two posts should give you an indication of how bad that is. 

The meeting with the psychiatrist really shocked me. I thought I was pretty clever by not saying much but she had me sussed and knew exactly what I was thinking – and how I’ve been blaming myself for feeling like this. There’s too much guilt. That hasn’t gone away, it’s not something I can change easily but I’m hopeful I can work on that. 

I went back to the doctor yesterday and we had a chat.. It seems I have both Anxiety and Depression. And the two make each other worse. It makes sense. With the anxiety, I feel too much. It’s overwhelming. So much darkness. Sadness. Hopelessness. And with the depression, I feel nothing. So some days I’m feeling too much and want to scream in pain and other days I’m completely numb. I’m not happy, I’m not excited about anything, I don’t react to news of any sort. Just nothing. I don’t know which is worse. 

I’ve also been referred for PTSD treatment. That’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This was a hard one to stomach. I’ve suspected that this is the problem for a while but I didn’t want to admit it. It’s something which soldiers returning from combat suffer from. People who have been abused. People who have suffered severe trauma. How could I have this?! Turns out it can also be caused by severe illness and/or medical trauma. 

This is the side of IBD that is rarely talked about and there isn’t nearly enough mental health support offered. Being diagnosed with a serious illness and being told that it’s for life has a severe impact. Having major surgery to remove the large bowel is a lot to deal with. Trying to decide whether to have surgery or put up with the constant pain and exhaustion is a huge decision and if things don’t go as planned, there’s a heck of a lot of guilt. IBD patients need to be offered counselling and mental health support as standard. Some places list depression as a symptom of IBD. Why then is this part of it largely ignored until things become very serious? 

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I think I know what’s happened here. I’ve been far too strong for too long. In the last five years, I’ve not only dealt with IBD and two major surgeries, I had a lot of personal and work-related problems in the midst of flares. I didn’t allow myself to be human.. I had to be strong. I forced myself to keep going, even when I was physically and mentally unable to. I was much, much stronger than I needed to be and it’s all come crashing down. I wouldn’t cry. I felt I had to be superhuman and not ‘weak’. This was my lot and I would deal with it no matter what. But it wasn’t the right way. It helps to talk, I should have done more of that. Of course there were times when I was scared, angry and frustrated. But I felt I was letting people down if I allowed the smile to slip from my face. I doing that, I caused more damage to myself. So it all built up and the breakdown was inevitable. The brain is complex. I can’t understand how it works. But this seems to be what’s happened with me. I could be completely wrong but it all makes a twisted sort of sense. I wish I’d seen that it’s okay not to be okay. That I needed to learn to say no sometimes, realise I needed to make decisions which wouldn’t harm my health , that I didn’t need to try so hard so others didn’t worry – I didn’t need that burden. But what’s done is done and now the only thing I’m focusing on is feeling better. I’ve cancelled my talks at the mosque and I’m learning to actually take care of myself and not be afraid to feel human. And I’m trying really hard not to feel like I’ve let everyone down. 

I’m probably going to stop writing here because I’m exhausted. So in conclusion, things are a bit better than before but I have a very long way to go.  For the first time in a while, I have hope that everything will work out ok. And that’s something I’m going to hold on to with everything I’ve got. 

I’ll have to continue this post later on this evening or tomorrow. Thank you for sticking with me and remembering me in your prayers/Duas. Knowing that so many of you are thinking of me, sending messages and praying for me continues to give me strength. 

I’m absolutely shattered but I had to finish writing this post. I apologise because I know it’s not my usual style. It’s not even half of what I wanted to say and I have some great news but it’ll have to wait for now! 

Take care all.